Prime Time Wrestling at the 59th Annual Fireman’s Softball Tournament 2017 // Valley View Play Fields – Bloomington, MN
Results thanks to Ultimate Worrier
Man, it was hot one, like seven inches from the midday sun, which if I’m doing the math right makes it about 2 and a half feet from the early evening sun. You know, I don’t make it to Bloomington often, but when I do, I like to wander aimlessly across a vast series of baseball fields trying to find a wrestling ring. Good news is, I was eventually able to find the ring and staked out a prime spot directly in the sunlight (you’re welcome, friends) just in time for the generator to run out of gas.
Hey, have you ever wondered who the REAL athletes are: recreational softball players or wrestlers? Can you guess? Well, we all learned some valuable, conflicting lessons about that this evening and I’ll keep score throughout. The Medium-Sized Boss Man (no relation) was out first to tell the kids it’s okay to shout “YOU SUCK” and that softball players aren’t real athletes.
Softball Players: 0, Wrestlers: 1
+ Air Wolf def. Paddy O’Flanagan
Air Wolf was out first, followed by everyone’s frosty mugs of beer rippling like that scene in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex lumbers through the jungle and drops a goat butt on a sensibly priced Ford Explorer, as the towering giant that is Paddy O’Flanagan caused Minnesota’s first earthquakes in ages with each step toward the ring. Just a stunning, absolute giant of a man, eerily reminiscent of Giant Griffin, but from Ireland (you can tell by the green socks) and dare I say a little taller? A distant cousin, maybe. Probably. Despite being comically outsized, Air Wolf somehow managed to hit Howl At The Moon on Flanagan, the sheer impact of his gargantuan body hitting the canvas dropping Bloomington’s elevation by a few feet.
+”King of Psycho Style” Psycho Sterling def. Stonehenge
The King of Psycho Style entered the ring in a fugue state, but started the mind games early by offering to shake hands and telling Stonehenge he just wants to be friends. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with Stonehenge? Nobody! But here’s the thing: Stonehenge doesn’t want to be friends with YOU and let me tell you, that slap to the face he gave The King of Psycho Style was a real slap in the face. After some good back and forth action, The King of Psycho Style sealed the deal with a Sliced… Bread… #2… kind of… thing. I’m calling it Unsliced Bread #6.
Mitch Paradise and Billy Blaze hit the ring in some super sweet Marilyn Monroe tights and demanded that they KILL THE MUSIC. Plus side for Mitch and Billy, the music had been killed 30 seconds prior. Oh, hey, do you know who AREN’T REAL ATHLETES? Recreational softball players, that’s who!
Softball Players: 0, Wrestlers: 2
But wait! Is that the sound of someone NOT HAVING IT? It is! Black Stallion and Aaron Corbin hit the ring with softball bats in hand and contended that, nay, it’s actually recreational softball players who are the real athletes. In fact, Mitch Paradise and Billy Blaze are just a couple of day drinking losers who just want to slink off and drink some Fireball–
What? You know what, you get the picture. Tonight, there’s gonna be a Softball Tournament Street Fight for the honor of recreational softball players everywhere.
Softball players: 1, Wrestlers: 2
+Ian Xavier def. Downtown Petey Brown
Xavier was out first with some super sweet “HOCKEY RULES” wristbands and a hockey stick, because he is from CANADA and when he wins, he will sing “O, Canada” which I honestly always get mixed up with the theme song from The Olympics but that’s my issue not Ian’s. A few “USA!” chants were quickly drowned out by the weight of the futility of chanting against a friendly nation that is literally your neighbor. Petey Brown was out next with glow sticks for the kids, followed by a thorough beat down from Xavier. This match was all Xavier, all the time, and it wasn’t long before Xavier took Petey out with the hockey stick after Petey inadvertently elbowed the ref in the eye. After the match, Xavier did NOT sing “O, Canada” as promised. WHAT THE HELL?
+Darin Corbin def. Tomahawk Kid
At first, everyone was unsure if we should be cheering or booing, because despite his recent actions, it’s everyone’s natural reaction to cheer Darin Corbin. Good news is, there’s a system: If Darin is wearing the “RED HAIR DON’T CARE” shirt, boo him. If he’s wearing the “RED HAIR CARE BEAR” shirt, let those cheers fly. Today, it was “RED HAIR DON’T CARE” and had three simple, easy to follow rules that somehow the crowd couldn’t follow:
- Don’t make any noise
- Don’t boo someone of this caliber
- Don’t say he sucks
Inexplicably, everyone in the crowd did the OPPOSITE of what he commanded, and frankly I’m still appalled. Even more inexplicably, Tomahawk Kid came out to a pop-punk cover of “Closer” by The Chainsmokers and we were supposed to cheer for him. Despite his musical stylings, Tomahawk Kid has improved tremendously since I saw him last, and this match easily stole the show. It’s not often one gets the chance to brawl into a portable toilet, but Tomahawk Kid and Darin Corbin took full advantage of the opportunity and I hope everyone who handled the roll of toilet paper that got tossed around after thoroughly washed their hands. We also learned something about Darin Corbin – he keeps his high school diploma at home. Good to know. Stay in school, kids. Driven to underhanded tactics by the blatant defiance of his rules, Corbin snuck in a low blow followed by a roll-up for the win.
+Darius def. Azul Blue
In a rare double debut, Darius took on masked wrestler Azul Blue, good ole Double Blue, Blue Squared, makin’ copies. Turns out, Azul Blue is such a huge Petey Brown fan, that he even had a pair of his trunks! That’s dedication. Tons of Hootie and the Blowfish chants throughout the match, and to be honest, Darius Rucker references in 2017 was the most astonishing part of the night. Darius looked fantastic in his debut, from a strong heel promo to his outstanding ring work, and Petey Brown super fan Azul Blue wrestled a whole lot like Petey Brown. Late in the match, Medium-Sized Boss Man had had enough of Azul Blue’s antics and tore his mask of to reveal…
Okay, not really, it was Petey Brown the whole time, and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids. The distraction gave Darius an opening to take down Petey with a beautiful bridged suplex for the 1-2-3.
+Black Stallion + Aaron Corbin def. Mitch Paradise + Billy Blaze
The best thing about this street fight was when Mitch Paradise picked his nose and high-fived a little girl with it. Classic. The most confusing part of this street fight was when it transitioned to a traditional tag team match halfway through. The worst part of this street fight was NO SOFTBALL BATS. What the hell? Solid bat-free action all around, with Black Stallion scoring the pinfall after a Brogue Kick and restoring the valor of recreational softball players across the globe.
Softball players: 2, Wrestlers: 2 – at heart, we’re ALL the real athletes.
Special shout out to Tommy Mason for reffing the ENTIRE SHOW in the blazing heat. You’re a marvel, and I hope you’ve hydrated since.
Razzlin’ Rick was also on the scene and has a detailed review at his Minnesota Pro Wrestling Page.
AWF presents Fight Night in Foley // Mr. Jim’s – Foley, MN
+ Super Thunderfrog won in the opening bout
+ “The Anarchist” Arik Cannon def. “Minnesota Wrecker” Josh Price
+ Nick “The Natural” Nelson def. Patient X
+ Jamal Killz def. Blue Bomber Lucal Luchador via Killzmission
+ AWF Heavyweight Title Match: Jaden Roller vs. Jacob Savage ends in a No Contest after interference from Nick Nelson. Jaden Roller promises Jacob Savage a rematch.